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Post by themotherhen on Jun 10, 2016 7:50:01 GMT
Okay, I have been married for almost 19 years. My parents divorced when I was 15. So I don't have a good model. I never knew that people could fight(disagree) and still stay married. I had no model for that. My parents fought for years, finally divorcing. Things have been really hard for us lately. We both work hard, but we need teamwork in our marriage. Does anyone else feel that their marriage/family structure is being attacked? How do we combat that? I have been praying until my knees are sore. Why do I feel that our union is under attack?
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Post by laurazone5 on Jun 10, 2016 11:51:20 GMT
Yes, I believe the institution of marriage is under attack. The evil one hates it, because it is from God.
We combat it by following His Word. Husband and Wife have to be committed as one to Him Communication, communication, communication.
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Post by whereiwant2b on Jun 10, 2016 15:03:44 GMT
It is an easier solution to simply walk away from a problem much of the time. Used to be that was not so accepted by society. I can remember when my aunt's divorce was not spoken of. It was generally phrased to leave the idea that she was widowed. BTW it was the consensus that the divorce was mostly her fault and that left me confused for years as to the disapproval people felt for her behavior.
But simply making divorce less accepted did force people to at least try to keep going. Sometimes that gave people the time to work things out. Sometimes it forced them to endure what they shouldn't have had to live with.
My parents were married for 65 years. Mostly due to the fact my father actually loved my mother, though it did not keep him from behaving poorly at times, and my mother's determination to make a good home. As they got older, it was clear they depended on each other for support. That each could count on the other to be there when they needed something. The 'something' they could count on had been settled through decades of negotiation.
For example, my mother never mastered finances. It would frustrate my father no end that she would never budget. My mother, on the other hand, never made a noise about my father's tightness toward her wants while indulging his own. They never 'resolved' their differences but actually came to find them as somewhat endearing foibles.
I remember once watching my father try to simply ask a question about my mother's checkbook, which my father was required by my mother to maintain. My mother immediately "stormed" off saying she was not required to explain anything while my father looked over to me and shrugged his shoulders with a smile. This was an old, well worn path for them. She was not going to account for small matters and he was not going to make a big deal over it. They had agreed to disagree.
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Post by laurazone5 on Jun 10, 2016 20:29:02 GMT
Maybe I didn't notice when I was in my 20's and 30's.......but once I got north of 40, I noticed multiple marriages of 20 or more years, ending in divorce. Most, in my experience, were the men cheating w/ someone at work or in the neighborhood or an old flame he looked up/found him from facebook. Usually, the women was 10-20 years younger than the man...
Maybe it's always been like this....I just didn't notice until I hit 40 and was (unknowing at the time) on the chopping block!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 2:47:28 GMT
I buried my first husband, kicked the second one to the curb, and have finally got it right with Nick.
First one died from alcohol related disease. Second one was a worse alcoholic than the first.
I waited. Got my head together. Took some time. Found a friend who grew into a love.
We know that marriage is a crucible that will grow us into what God wants us to be, so we work on our marriage Every. Single. Day. We have been through some rough times, but we both agreed that "what God has joined together, we will not let man on earth nor demon in hell nor any institution or govt or culture or ANYTHING rip us asunder."
As long as we remember it's the three of us (God, Nick, and me) in a spiritual war, we'll make it.
The inscription inside our wedding bands reads: "Eccl 4:9-12"
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
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Post by whereiwant2b on Jun 11, 2016 3:01:07 GMT
Maybe I didn't notice when I was in my 20's and 30's.......but once I got north of 40, I noticed multiple marriages of 20 or more years, ending in divorce. Most, in my experience, were the men cheating w/ someone at work or in the neighborhood or an old flame he looked up/found him from facebook. Usually, the women was 10-20 years younger than the man... Maybe it's always been like this....I just didn't notice until I hit 40 and was (unknowing at the time) on the chopping block!! No, it was always common. People just didn't talk about it. I took retirement claims in the 1980s and filled out marriage history for most. It happened back then too as the people age 60 in the 1980s were married in the 1940s.
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Post by Txsteader on Jun 11, 2016 14:10:32 GMT
Just had our 43rd anniversary. The way we've approached our marriage was:
1) We took the commitment, that we'd made before God, very seriously. Better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. That covers pretty much everything. 2) Honesty. You can't have a solid marriage without it. 3) Divorce was not a solution. See #1. 4) Communication - even if it involves screaming. Screaming is better than silence, IMO. 5) Don't ever lose sight of what it was you loved about your mate in the beginning. Sure, people change/mature/get old, but if a marriage has the proper foundation, it will survive.
IMO, it's normal to go through rough patches in a marriage. They're like phases, every 10-15 years. What matters is how you handle them as a couple and how committed you are to getting through them and making the marriage survive.
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Post by paisley on Jun 11, 2016 22:28:54 GMT
Just had our 43rd anniversary. The way we've approached our marriage was: 1) We took the commitment, that we'd made before God, very seriously. Better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. That covers pretty much everything. 2) Honesty. You can't have a solid marriage without it. 3) Divorce was not a solution. See #1. 4) Communication - even if it involves screaming. Screaming is better than silence, IMO. 5) Don't ever lose sight of what it was you loved about your mate in the beginning. Sure, people change/mature/get old, but if a marriage has the proper foundation, it will survive. IMO, it's normal to go through rough patches in a marriage. They're like phases, every 10-15 years. What matters is how you handle them as a couple and how committed you are to getting through them and making the marriage survive. Educate your children to plan their marriage before even thinking about planning a wedding. My son has no girl in mind BUT he makes mental notes and we talk about what he is seeing he wants in a mate and what his values are. Knowing who he is and having personal standards should help him..it really helps that he us very open and communicates about things important to him.
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Post by themotherhen on Aug 1, 2016 10:27:35 GMT
Pony, DH and I have really been focused on the "three strands" idea. Things have been proceeding in a beautiful manner. PM later today, I haven't slept yet, so I'm tired.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2016 20:28:14 GMT
Pony, DH and I have really been focused on the "three strands" idea. Things have been proceeding in a beautiful manner. PM later today, I haven't slept yet, so I'm tired. My response to you is my 1500th post here. And my response to you? God is good. He will never leave you or forsake you.
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Post by fordy on Aug 2, 2016 15:28:54 GMT
..............It seems to me that "Marriage" is as much about Allocation of Scarce Resources as anything else ! I would think husband and wife should be able to sit down and make a list of (1)'Have Too's'........i.e. those items that must be paid , (2)'Need Too's.........those items like food , kids shoes , etc. , then , finally the 'Want Too's'.........Eat out @ Mc D's , go fishing at the lake , etc. ...............The financial picture got complicated when Obama care showed up because neither man nor wife maybe employed with a company that offers health ins . So , how are two working , young , healthy parents supposed to afford HI when they're making 10 to 12 dollars and hour apiece ? Answer........they can't ! , fordy
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Post by laurazone5 on Aug 3, 2016 12:16:41 GMT
Just had our 43rd anniversary. The way we've approached our marriage was: 1) We took the commitment, that we'd made before God, very seriously. Better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. That covers pretty much everything. 2) Honesty. You can't have a solid marriage without it. 3) Divorce was not a solution. See #1. 4) Communication - even if it involves screaming. Screaming is better than silence, IMO. 5) Don't ever lose sight of what it was you loved about your mate in the beginning. Sure, people change/mature/get old, but if a marriage has the proper foundation, it will survive.IMO, it's normal to go through rough patches in a marriage. They're like phases, every 10-15 years. What matters is how you handle them as a couple and how committed you are to getting through them and making the marriage survive. AMEN to that in bold. But both husband and wife have to be on the same page. Both have to see marriage as a commitment. Both have to communicate. One person can do all the work, heck, the work of 2, but in the end, it will not matter. If one spouse will not bring their 100% commitment to the table, it's time to get up, push in the chair, and walk away
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Post by gapeach on Aug 3, 2016 13:01:24 GMT
We celebrated year number 56 this year. Our marriage has been pretty much same basis as Txsteader's. We've had our spats along the way but never separated or even came close. We still love each other and cannot imagine our lives any other way but to be together. Our kids love the fact that we have been together so long.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 15:16:12 GMT
We celebrated year number 56 this year. Our marriage has been pretty much same basis as Txsteader's. We've had our spats along the way but never separated or even came close. We still love each other and cannot imagine our lives any other way but to be together. Our kids love the fact that we have been together so long. Congratulations on a long and successful marriage! I saw something the other day that made me smile. The basic gist of the message was that marriage is like the buddy system. Stick with your buddy. Work with your buddy. Stand up for your buddy. Share with your buddy. <3
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Post by tarbe on Jun 11, 2017 18:37:00 GMT
"Does anyone else feel that their marriage/family structure is being attacked? How do we combat that"?
Yes, of course!
And what we often don't want to admit is sometimes we are our marriage's worst enemy! Yes, US!
How to combat?
Grace.
Plain, simple, Grace. The Grace we have received, we should freely give.
As we give Grace to those around us, wounds are healed, tempers are calmed, ledgers are torn up and forgotten.
Grace, Grace, Grace.
Everything else can flow from that.
Without Grace, everything else is muted...even stifled.
Grace.
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