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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 24, 2019 1:44:55 GMT
How do you get a blond out of a tree? Wave at her.
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Post by BrewDaddy on Jul 24, 2019 2:11:07 GMT
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50 foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter...... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
bd
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Post by gob on Jul 24, 2019 11:24:20 GMT
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! 😂 Better!
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Post by farmgirl on Jul 25, 2019 17:42:50 GMT
I only buy my guns from a guy named T-rex. He's a small arms dealer...
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 25, 2019 21:18:46 GMT
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Post by gob on Jul 26, 2019 10:47:07 GMT
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Post by BrewDaddy on Aug 1, 2019 15:10:02 GMT
The defense attorney tells his client, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?” asks the accused.
“Your cholesterol is below 130.”
bd
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Aug 1, 2019 15:26:47 GMT
Click on image to enlarge
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Aug 1, 2019 19:01:35 GMT
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Aug 1, 2019 21:06:22 GMT
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Post by bretf on Aug 2, 2019 1:29:46 GMT
Me an’ ol’ Jim decided we better hit the watering hole after work. I’d blame it on Jim once I got home, and he’d blame it on me, but it worked out for both of us that way.
Anyway, we took our stools at the bar and the ‘tender gave us our beers without even askin’ what we wanted. I swear that man must of had that ESP stuff to figger out what we wanted just like that. It woulda been kinda spooky inf’n I’da thought about it, so I decided not to think and just drank my beer.
So we was on our second or fourth beer, or somewhere in there when the dang TV started showin’ soccer. What was goin’ on with that, a buncha guys runnin’ around and not even hitting the other fellers. At least it coulda been the ladies. They were almost worth watchin’. Almost. Jim wasn’t gonna have nothin’ with it, so he hollered at the tender, even louder than when his glass was empty, to change the GD channel and get somethin’ worth watchin’ on there. So he started punching that remote and Jim hollered “STOP!” I was lookin’ at some gal that just come in then and was sorta distracted, so I looked up to see what Jim’d said to stop at. “Oh holy mother of God”, I whispered, “No, change the channel.”
But it was too late. Jim was mesmerized, watching some yahoo zero in a ginormous bull moose. I winced when he pulled his trigger, not for the animal, but for what I knew what was spinning in ol’ Jim’s mind. Heck, he didn’t even need to be addled by drink. I braced myself for the inevitable.
“Did you see that Tom? We gotta go moose hunting again.”
“No Jim,” I said, searching my beer infused mind for a plausible reason why I couldn’t go. “Uh, I don’t have the cash on hand.”
“I’ll cover ya,” he said and pulled out his phone, found a number, and hit dial.
I groaned and waved three fingers to the ‘tender. Dang, but I’d need at least that many.
#
The bush pilot dropped us off at the remote lake, shaking his head at all our gear and said he’d be back in seven days. If we weren’t ready to go then, it was a dang long walk to civilization. It took all I had not to hide out in the plane and desert Jim right there.
I told ol’ Jim one moose would be enough. I didn’t need to take one. He was deaf to all my talk and since I wouldn’t take a shot, he filled my tag for me. I looked at the sky asked the Good Lord to have mercy.
#
“I see you were successful,” the pilot said, “But with all the gear you brought, I can’t haul it, you guys, and two moose. It’s too much weight to clear that mountain. You’ll have to leave something.”
“What? What kind of man are you? The pilot we had last year didn’t say anythin’ like that. He loaded everything. I guess he had a bigger pair than you,” Jim said.
I could see the pilot go over it all in his mind, letting Jim’s insult to his manhood cloud his judgement. “Fine,” he stated. “Load your ****. We leave in fifteen minutes.”
That dang Jim. I swear he has eyes in the back of his head. Ever time I accidently on purpose dropped somethin’ behind a tree or in some brush, the scoundrel picked it up and loaded it.
Off to the side, I asked the pilot if I could stay and he could come back later fer me, ya know, to lighten the load. He said he couldn’t, some big-a storm was headed this way, and if we didn’t get out soon, we’d be stuck for a long time.
It took all I had to get in that plane instead o’ runnin’ fer safety.
The pilot fired up the engine, and the thump-thump of it was an echo of my beating heart. He taxied to the end of the lake, turned, and hit the juice.
“Lift, lift you . . . “ I urged the plane in my head as we gained speed, the far shore get closer way to soon. At last it rose off the water and I closed my eyes to thank the Good Lord for delivering me from Jim’s folly.
#
I opened my eyes, feeling like I’d spent way too long in the watering hole. My thoughts were fuzzy and my sight was blurred. I brushed my hand across my eyes to try to clear them and my hand came back red with blood. “Jim,” I croaked, “Where are we?”
Jim sounded hearty, too hearty. “We’re about fifty yards higher on the mountain than last year!”
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Post by BrewDaddy on Aug 2, 2019 18:31:54 GMT
If I had a dollar for every math exam I ever failed, I'd have like $21.37 by now....
bd
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Aug 2, 2019 19:43:34 GMT
I love rumors, I learn so much about myself I didn't know.
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Aug 2, 2019 22:53:19 GMT
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Post by BrewDaddy on Aug 2, 2019 23:33:55 GMT
I've got a friend that does airbrushing and he's really good, just REALLY REALLY REALLY slow to get around to my little project...
He's going to do an AK mag with Hello Kitty on it, and it's gonna be AWESOME!!
brew
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