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Post by BrewDaddy on Jul 3, 2019 20:51:04 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”
The man replies, “It’s a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”
The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.”
Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”
bd
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Post by john on Jul 3, 2019 21:00:20 GMT
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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Post by themotherhen on Jul 3, 2019 21:39:46 GMT
"Mom, this mouse doesn't work. I think it's a liberal."
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Post by BrewDaddy on Jul 6, 2019 4:17:39 GMT
When Farmer Jones got out of his car to meet his friend, he noticed a pig with a wooden leg. He asked, “Fred, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?” “Well, Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin’, went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!” “And the boar tore up his leg?” “No, he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin’ like he was stuck, woke us up, and ‘fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved ’em all!” “So that’s when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?” “No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out ‘fore I drowned. Sure did save my life.” “And that was when he hurt his leg?” “Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too.” Frustrated, Farmer Jones said, “OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?” “Well,” the farmer tells him. “A special pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once!”
bd
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 12, 2019 18:16:21 GMT
Texas A&M University College Station, Texas
Attn: Agriculture Department
Sirs:
As a recent graduate of Texas A&M I am hoping you can be of assistance with an agricultural problem I am having.
I wish to raise chickens on my farm, but with no success. Last year I planted them feet down, while this year I planted them feet up. Both years with no results. Your suggestions will be welcome.
Sincerely,
Joebill Johnson
Mr Joebill Johnson Box 113 Fm Road 4356 Clever, Texas 82104
Please send soil sample.
Sincerely,
Billybob Henderson Agricultural Department Texas A&M University
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Post by Txsteader on Jul 13, 2019 11:31:46 GMT
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 22, 2019 0:17:16 GMT
The Iran thread reminded me of a joke from long ago.
During the '67 war, an Egyptian army division is crossing the desert when an Israeli soldier pops up over a sand dune and yells "Nyah, Nyah, you can't hurt me!" The commander orders a squad over the dune to deal with him. 10 minutes later the Israeli jumps back up and repeats his taunt. The commander orders a platoon to attack. 10 minutes later the Israeli reappears yelling "Is that the best you've got?!" The commander orders a company over the dune. 10 minutes later an Egyptian soldier crawls over the dune yelling "Go back!! Go back!! It's an ambush, there's two of them!!"
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Post by sawmilljim on Jul 22, 2019 0:59:40 GMT
Fellow went to a bar ,ordered himself a drink in walks a guy that grabs the man's drink and gulps it down . The guy that just lost his drink broke down crying like all get out . The bully said hey mister if I knew you were such a wimp I would never done it . The guy stops crying and said well you see I have had the worst day of my life, first the wife left me ,my house burned down and I wrecked my car ,so I came here to end it all had just put the poison in my drink watching it dissolve when along you come and steal it . But enough about my probloms how was your day ?
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Post by BrewDaddy on Jul 22, 2019 1:00:17 GMT
To the guy who stole my antidepressants … I hope you’re happy.
bd
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 22, 2019 2:09:58 GMT
One I posted at Melissa's place:
Three old men sitting on a beach in Miami. One asks another, "So how is it you're here?" The other answers, "Well, I was in the ladies dress business in the Bronx for many years, then we had a fire, and since my children had no interest in the business, I took the insurance money and came here." The first says "What a coincidence, I was a furrier for all my life in New York, then people stopped buying fur coats. I came to work one morning and my entire factory had burned down. My kids couldn't care less about the fur business, so I took the insurance money and here I am.
The third guy says "Yeah, it happens. I was in the shoe and boot business in upstate New York, worked by butt off for years. A flood came through and wiped the whole place out. Too old to start over again, so here I am.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, then the first guys asks "So, how do you start a flood?"
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Post by BrewDaddy on Jul 22, 2019 21:15:17 GMT
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a full life,” the dog says. “I rescued avalanche victims in the Alps. I served in Iraq. And now I read to residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is amazed. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
bd
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Post by farmgirl on Jul 23, 2019 4:20:21 GMT
What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork chop
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Post by Ozarks Tom on Jul 23, 2019 14:00:38 GMT
What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork chop
I'm going to ask Proboards Forum Support if we can install a "BOO" button next to the "Like".
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Post by farmgirl on Jul 23, 2019 14:15:48 GMT
What do you call a pig that knows karate? Pork chop
I'm going to ask Proboards Forum Support if we can install a "BOO" button next to the "Like".
😂
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Post by farmgirl on Jul 23, 2019 21:27:27 GMT
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work! 😂
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